


it's just the strangest thing, i've seen your face somewhere

by mrsonmyr



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Amnesia, Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Sickfic, Slow Burn, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 11:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20470661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsonmyr/pseuds/mrsonmyr
Summary: Ronan wakes from a coma with retrograde amnesia. He doesn’t remember his current life or his boyfriend, Kavinsky. The only thing he remembers is his family and his best friend Gansey. He definitely doesn’t remember some guy named Adam.





	it's just the strangest thing, i've seen your face somewhere

**Author's Note:**

> listen some timelines just don’t add up I can’t do math so let’s just ignore it and move on

Ronan knows where he is before he opens his eyes. The smell is a dead give away. He knows this smell. The beeping from the machines are also all too familiar. It’s a struggle to open his eyes but he manages and his suspicions were correct — hospital. His mouth feels unbearably dry and his head is pounding. The bed isn’t too comfortable, either. Without turning his head he sees Declan sitting in the hospital chair typing frantically into his phone. 

“Shit. Ronan? Are you awake?” Declan asks when he looks over. Ronan can’t respond. He just blinks. 

“Nurse! He’s awake!” Declan yells into the hall. 

A nurse enters his hospital room speedily and flashes Declan a look that could only be of annoyance. She was in a pair of light pink scrubs that accentuated her tan skin. She couldn’t have been much older than Declan, he looked at her with the same look of annoyance. 

“Mr Lynch, are you alright?” She asks. Ronan tries to respond but his mouth feels too dry to. 

“I’ll bring you some water and then we can start some questions.” She zips out of the room after checking his heart rate. 

“Fuck, Ronan. You scared all of us.” Declan says, leaning over his bed. He notices that he has an IV drip feeding into his hand and his neck feels stiff. 

How’d he get here? 

The nurse comes back with a plastic cup of water and a paper straw and the doctor follows after reviewing his chart. Declan takes the cup of water and guided the straw into Ronan’s mouth. If he wasn’t so thirsty he’d smack Declan away from him. 

“Mr Lynch, welcome back. I’m Dr. Kaladeen and I was looking after you while you were out.” The doctor smiled at him. “Do you know where you are?” 

“Hospital.” He croaks out. 

“Are you aware of how you got here?” Ronan slowly shook his head. 

“Do you know the year?” 

“2016.” Both the nurse and Declan looked at the doctor. He set the folder he was holding down and took a step towards Ronan’s bed. 

“Mr Lynch you were involved in a car crash. You have been in a coma for the past seven days. You hit your head severely, enough to cause potential brain damage, and broke your left arm. You may find that your legs and back feel severe pain during your healing process, as well as weakness in your body from being in a coma for a week.” Dr Kaladeen told Ronan but he kept looking over at Declan. “Now that you’re awake we need to run further tests to determine if there was any brain damage from the crash or any potential chances of amnesia. I’ll let you wake up and adjust before we start any testing. I will have Nurse Emily call any remaining family members who you would like to see.” 

Declan turned to the nurse and he heard him whisper to her. “Matthew Lynch. I gave you his phone number earlier.” 

“Anyone else?” She asked. 

“Richard Gansey? He’s not immediate family but he’s like a brother to Ronan.” She took the number from Declan and left to make the calls. Declan sat next to Ronan’s bed. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“Like shit.” God, his head would not stop pounding. 

“It will be okay. You’re alive.” Declan rubbed his hand up Ronan’s arm. 

“What happened?” Ronan asked, his throat still dry. He took another sip of his water. 

“You and your stupid fucking car. You’re never allowed to race again. You and Kavinsky were our racing and you hit a light pole. He was fine but,” Declan stopped. “We thought you were gone. The way they dragged you out of the car.” Declan looked away from him. 

The beeping from the monitor filled the silence in the room. Ronan was dying to see his face. It felt like he was wearing a mask from how heavy everything feels, he wouldn’t be surprised if his entire face is covered in purple bruises. His hospital door was left open and he saw patients being pushed passed in wheelchairs, Ronan thinks he could probably pop a wheelie in one of those. He shuts his eyes again to get some rest but he’s startled when he hears - 

“Ronan!” Matthew cries as he rubs into the room, Gansey in tow. 

Matthew picks up Ronan’s hand that was resting on the bed and looks into his eyes. His same blue eyes tearing up at the sight of his injured brother. 

“I’m so happy you’re alive.” Matthew cried. Declan stood to place a comforting hand on his little brothers shoulder. 

Gansey was hovering in the back, letting the brothers reunite. Ronan noticed that Gansey wasn’t in his Aglionby uniform — what day was it? 

“Dick.” Ronan called for him. 

“You need to stop scaring us. We can’t take it.” Gansey said as he stepped up to the end of the hospital bed. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“So am I.” Ronan said now that his voice felt like it was back. “Looks like everyone was a mess without me.” 

“Ronan it was awful. _ Please _never do that again.” Matthew begged. 

Ronan tried his best to smile up at his baby brother. He shut his eyes again and asked what day it was. 

“Thursday.” Gansey said. 

“Did you ditch school for me?” Ronan asked. He didn’t get a response until he opened his eyes to look at Gansey. Gansey was looking over at Declan, a bit confused. 

“Why don’t you rest and I’ll get your doctor. Guys, let’s not overwhelm Ronan.” Declan nodded at the door and Matthew and Gansey left. 

“What the hell, Declan? I’ve been asleep for seven days I don’t need to rest some more.” 

Declan didn’t pay attention to what Ronan was saying as he paged the nurse again. 

A Thursday in 2016. The sun was shining in through his windows so it was probably Spring. Maybe Summer. Matthew and Gansey should be in school, finals were probably coming up, Gansey wants to go to Harvard. Matthew, well Matthew hasn’t told Ronan what his plans for the future are, but Ronan doesn’t have any plans either. His nurse, what was her name — Emily? — returns with a different doctor. This one was in a suit, she looked like one of those doctors from the hospital shows his mom used to watch when he’d come home from school. 

“Mr Lynch my name is Dr Wendy Moore, I’m a specialist with patients suffering from amnesia. We’re going to run some tests today to determine if you are suffering from amnesia. Is that alright?” 

“Yes.” Declan answered for him. 

Ronan was wheeled away from his cozy room to get an MRI and a CT scan. After running tests the doctors concluded that Ronan was suffering from retrograde amnesia. They told him that it wasn’t impossible for him to gain his memories back but just unlikely. Any progress was good news. They encouraged him to keep a memory diary to track any dreams he has that might be linked to his past or any odd deja vu sense memories. 

“If you’re out at a store and you get this overwhelming feeling that you’ve been there or maybe you see someone that looks familiar. Write that down and your family and friends will be able to help jog any memories you have.” Dr Moore was telling him. “Ronan, this is going to be difficult but your family is going to do their best to help you. And we’re always here to help and answer questions. I think it would be smart to start attending weekly therapy sessions, they can help keep track of your thoughts which could lead to curating more of your lost memories.” 

None of this made sense to Ronan. The last thing he remembers was throwing shit off the roof at Monmouth, now he has to see a weekly therapist and journal daily? Bullshit. No ones even told Ronan if his BMW survived the wreck or when he’s allowed to leave. His head is still pounding and now this overflow of information is making it worse. 

“Can I eat something?” Ronan interrupts the doctor to ask. 

“Yes.” His nurse tells him. 

Declan stands from his chair next to Ronan. “I’ll go get you something.” 

His doctor continues to talk and Ronan can’t help but close his eyes. Her voice is sort of soothing and for once on his own terms he feels tired. This entire thing has been exhausting. If he knew getting in a life threatening crash would cause this he might reconsider it. Declan quickly returns with a sandwich wrapped in cling film, an apple juice, and a pack of peanut M&Ms he undoubtedly got from the vending machine. 

“Chicken salad?” Ronan questions it when it’s set in front of him. 

“Eat it.” Declan tells him. “Actually, I need to call Ashley. Excuse me.” 

Ronan’s unsure of the time or year but he still remembers Declan’s beloved Ashley. He doesn’t remember what she does, though. Was she a nurse? Maybe she could watch after Ronan once he left. 

“Do you have any further questions, Mr Lynch?” 

“When can I go home?” 

“Your doctor will discharge you when he feels you’re ready. I’ll come and check on you throughout your stay. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask.” She collected her papers and left his room in silence. Declan snuck back in through the door as she was leaving and handed a phone to Ronan. 

“EMT found it in the car. It still works, surprisingly. I turned it off because I knew it would kill your battery and I don’t think I have a charger for a phone this old.” Declan tells him. 

Ronan holds the power button down and his phone glows on. He was surprised when he had a few messages pop up. Some from Gansey asking if he was okay. A few from Declan. One from someone listed as K and multiple texts from someone listed as P. 

_ Are you okay??? _

_ Please call me asap _

_ I will try to visit when I can. ily. _

Ronan had no clue who those texts were from. He felt overwhelmed looking at all the notifications so he put his phone away. He never used it anyways. He took a bite of his shitty hospital sandwich and opened his mouth at Declan to prove that he swallowed it. 

“Don’t be disgusting.” Declan scolds him.

Ronan took another bite and then leaned his head back into the hospital pillow. “Why are you still here?”

Declan looked up from his phone at his idiot brother. “Because you got in a life threatening car accident and now you have amnesia?”

“Don’t you have your internship?” 

“You really have no clue.” Declan was astonished. “Ronan, it’s 2019. I’m done school, I’m working. Gansey is done school. Matthew is about to go to college. You,” he stops, “you just spend all your time at the Barns and drive your car around with Kavinsky.”

Joseph Kavinsky. It’s 2019 and he’s still wasting time with Kavinsky. If he’s learned anything from this car accident it’s that he needs to ditch Kavinsky for good. 

“Whatever.” Ronan takes a sip from his juice and shuts his eyes. “Can’t you get the doctor to let me leave now? I’m awake, I can’t remember shit, let me go home.” 

“There's more to that, Ronan. I need to move back to the barns to make sure you’re okay. Or I need to hire a nurse to babysit you so you don’t do anything stupid and make sure you take your meds on time. And you need to go to therapy now. And probably physical therapy. It’s not as easy as driving you home and saying goodbye. Even Gansey wants to move back down until you’re settled.” 

“Move back? Where the hell is everyone?” 

“Gansey and I are in DC. Matthew is going to go to college in Pennsylvania. Everyone has moved on, except you. So it is a little more of a challenge now to look after you, so it would be excellent if you could just behave or listen and _ try _ to understand the sacrifices people are making for you.” 

Ronan was silent looking up at the ceiling. 

“I’ll try to get the doctor to release you as soon as possible.” Declan said and left him alone. 

He was allowed to leave two days later. Ronan was able to stand and walk, albeit a little slow and stiff, but he could get around without a wheelchair. Declan and Matthew helped him into Declan’s Volvo and he drove them back to the Barns where Ronan was currently living. The house was a bit of a mess, clothes thrown around, beer cans on the counter and table, pizza boxes out. Declan sighed as he took in the mess of his childhood home. 

“Matthew, you can take him upstairs and I’ll start cleaning.” Declan instructed. Matthew held onto Ronan as he helped him up the stairs to his bedroom. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow, his bed felt like a cloud after spending nine days in his stiff hospital bed. He could hear Declan and Matthew rummaging downstairs. 

He woke up to what sounded like yelling from downstairs and then footsteps running up the stairs. 

“Babe!” Ronan looked up to see Kavinsky standing in his doorway with an angry looking Declan behind him. 

“Hello? Ronan?” Kavinsky waved his hands in front of his face. 

“What?” He managed to get out, still deep in his sleep. 

“Wow, babe, cool it. It’s just me.” He walked into his room and sat in the chair across from Ronan’s bed. “Dicklan says you don’t remember anything. You remember me, though, right?” 

Of course he remembers Kavinsky. He remembers racing him in high school, he remembers hating him and being so curious about him. He doesn’t remember Kavinksy ever calling him _ babe. _

“I tried texting you. Guess you were so out of it to respond. I’m here now to look after you.” Kavinsky looked back at Declan. 

“We’re getting a nurse for Ronan. Your services won’t be necessary.” 

“Well, maybe _ some _ services will be necessary.” He looked back at Ronan and winked. “You really scared me. I mean, was a little dramatic to crash into a fucking lamp pole but god, sure made everyone pay attention. Guess we won’t be doing that for awhile.”

“You won’t be doing that ever again.” Declan told him. 

Ronan sat up a little and tried to adjust himself, he was trying to maneuver the covers with his arm wrapped in a cast. Who let Kavinsky in here? Can’t he just have a peaceful sleep for once without getting interrupted? 

“What do you want, K?” Ronan asked. 

Kavinsky looked over at Ronan, his eyes dark and a grin on his face. “Just came to make sure my boyfriend was okay.”

Boyfriend? What the fuck. 

Kavinsky laughed. Did he say that out loud?

“I guess they were right when they said you couldn’t remember. I’m sure I can help jog your memory.” 

Ronan looked past Kavinsky to Declan as a sign to get him to leave. Declan told him that Ronan needed to rest and he could come back to visit again once he was feeling up to it. Kavinsky didn’t miss his opportunity to place a wet kiss on Ronan’s cheek before he left. 

Ronan was able to fall back asleep once Kavinsky and Declan left him. His room didn’t feel different to him, it still feels like it did from what he could remember. The house feels more lived in than when he was living with Gansey at Monmouth. He guesses it really has been a few years and he’s had time to remake this house his home. Family photographs were still on the walls, the furniture his mother picked out was still here. Ronan’s, and he assumes Kavinsky’s, presence has made this house feel _ alive. _

He wakes to his phone buzzing on the table next to him. Two new texts from P. 

_ Gansey said you’re back at home now. _

_ I’ll try to visit when I can. _

Ronan still had no idea who P was and he also hopes he didn’t learn to love and appreciate his phone. His life was so much easier when he didn’t text anyone. 

Ronan slowly got out of his bed, his back was in pain and he needed to use the bathroom. He also needed some pain meds, Declan was usually on top of that but it’s good for Ronan to get up and move. This was the first time Ronan’s seen his face in the mirror. His right eye was covered in a purple bruise, his lips had stitches in it, and he had some small cuts on his cheek and forehead. Not as bad as what he expected. He actually looks kind of badass. 

Declan was asleep on the couch downstairs, he must have been spending a lot of time in that hospital chair. Ronan works his way to the kitchen to get something to drink. And eat if he can find anything. Nothing looks fresh but no one’s been here for over a week. He decided on just water, they could order food in when Declan wakes. This is his life now — empty boxes, beer cans, the smell of old food wafted through the air. This didn’t feel like the family home he once knew. He didn’t know who he was, who he became. A cell phone that was charging on the kitchen island started to ring, Ronan checked the caller ID and saw that it was Gansey. 

“Dick.” He said as he answered. 

“Dec - Ronan?” Gansey asked. 

“He’s sleeping and his phone was on the table.” 

“No need to wake him. We’re coming over to visit you. Do you need anything while we’re out?” 

“Food. There’s nothing here.” 

“Alright. See you soon.” 

Ronan set his brothers phone back down without plugging it back into the charger. He went to sit in the chair across from Declan on the couch, watching him sleep. He had no clue where Matthew went but the house was quiet except for his brothers deep breathing. The couch didn’t look very comfortable but it must be better than those stiff hospital chairs. Declan looks comfortable, he’s hands folded over his chest, still in a suit, Declan always looked most like himself when he was in a suit. 

The loud sound of an engine woke Declan from his sleep, his eyes shot open almost like in a panic. Ronan could have the worst amnesia in the world but he didn’t think he’d ever forget the sound of the Pig. The orange Camaro pulled into the driveway and Gansey and another person got out, they were carrying pizza boxes. 

“Hi, hope we didn’t wake you Declan.” Gansey said as he entered the house. He set the pizza down on the coffee table and smiled at Ronan. 

“No, it’s okay, I should get up anyway. Thanks for bringing food.” Declan said as he moved down the couch. 

“Nino’s.” Ronan read the name on the box. “They’re still open?” 

“Business still booming.” Gansey said. “Ronan, you might not remember him, but this is my friend Adam.” Gansey stepped out of the way to introduce his friend.

He was taller than Gansey, a little slimmer too. He was dressed in jeans and a grey T-shirt and his freckles made Ronan choke on his breath. 

“I don’t remember.” Ronan said a little annoyed. Adam’s eyes softened at that. 

“That’s okay. The doctor said that would be normal.” Gansey then turned to Adam and said, “why don’t you give us a few minutes to get him settled. Could you grab some napkins?” Adam obliged making his way to the kitchen. He clearly knew his way around. 

“Sorry, Ronan. Adam went to Aglionby with us. We didn’t start hanging out until our last year, when you dropped out. We went to Harvard together and became really close friends. He’s spent time with us before, I know you didn’t really like him in the past but I thought this could help spark any memories.” Gansey explained. 

“It’s fine. I just don’t know him.” Ronan told him. 

Adam returned from the kitchen with some napkins and Declan asked to speak with Gansey in the other room about the nurse's schedule. Adam sat down next to Ronan once they were alone. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” He reached out his hand and took Ronan’s. Ronan looked down at their intertwined fingers. “I was so worried.”

“I’m sorry. I just. I don’t remember you.” Ronan pulled his hand away from Adam’s. 

Adam’s face went cold when Ronan moved his hand, he almost wanted to hold him again just so he would smile. 

“That’s okay. That’s normal. I _ want _ you to remember. I want to work with you so you can remember.” Adam smiled at him. He was too beautiful to look at directly in his eyes. 

“Gansey said we didn’t get along.” 

“That’s what he thinks.” Adam sat back in his chair when Declan and Gansey returned. 

“We have a nurse that is going to move in for the meantime. Gansey and I will check in when we can make it down from DC and I’ll come down during weekends.” Declan told him as he grabbed a slice of pizza. 

“The hospital recommended her so Declan and I thought it would be best to use her instead of finding someone else. If it doesn’t work out, we will find someone who suits you best.” Gansey smiled at him. Gansey seems the exact same but a little older. He’s grown into himself more. He looks good with his hair pushed back and his glasses on his nose and Ronan thanks god that he grew out of his colourful polo phase and is now wearing more neutral tones. 

“Adam has moved back to this area too, I’m sure if you ever needed anything and Declan or I aren’t available Adam could help.” Gansey suggested. 

“Yeah. Anything you need, Ronan. I’m always a phone call away.” Adam looked over at him. His long lashes blinking at him. 

“Good luck getting Ronan to use his phone.” Declan teased. 

* * *

Gansey and Adam left after they ate and helped clean up. They could sense how tired the brothers looked and didn’t want to take up any more of their time. Gansey offered to help put Ronan to bed but he yelled at him claiming he’s not a baby. Adam didn’t say goodbye to Ronan, he just gave him a long look, taking everything in; his injuries, his facial hair and head that needed to be shaved, his blue eyes. 

Ronan climbed the stairs and changed into a pair of pyjama shorts that he kept in the top dresser. He remembered where everything was kept in his room. He took his shirt off and threw it in his laundry hamper and got into his bed, Declan knocked on his door and opened it. 

“I’m really dating Kavinsky?” 

“Yeah. You’d have to ask Gansey about the details. You never really told me.” Declan said as he opened the medicine bottle and shook out two painkillers the doctor prescribed Ronan. 

Ronan took them from Declan’s hand and swallowed them back with a gulp of his water. He felt like he was eight years old again and sick with the stomach flu and his father was putting him to bed, telling him made up stories about his life in Ireland, how he met their mother, how he built this house with his bare hands. Ronan didn’t know if the reason he slept so well was because his bed was much nicer than the hospital bed or if the pain killers had any affect on him. That night he dreamt of Adam. His long fingers curled around his hand, his blue eyes looking deep into his own, his mouth. 

He woke up the next morning at ten. He knew the time because his phone was next to him and he also had new text messages. One from Kavinsky about how he could wait to feel him again and one from P. 

_ I was so happy to see you again. You look so different but still the Ronan i know. I know this is going to be a hard stage in your life but I am here for you. I love you. Xx _

Ronan had no idea who this was. He didn’t have a lot of contacts in his phone anyways and he recognized all of them except P. 

“Ronan!” Declan called from downstairs. He threw a sweater on and slowly climbed down the stairs to see a very short woman in Minnie Mouse scrubs in his living room. Declan was informing her about Ronan’s injuries and how he was dealing with his amnesia. She was asking about his day to day schedule and any medications that she should be aware of. Her hair was short and clipped back but some shorter pieces of hair escaped them and stuck out. 

“Ronan, this is Miss Sargent. She is going to be looking after you for the time being until you start to feel better and more capable to look after yourself.” 

“I can look after myself now.” Ronan grumbled. 

“Please, you can both call me Blue. I know the hospital calls me Miss Sargent but it’s not necessary. Hi, Ronan. I’m going to be here for you so whatever you need just let me know.” Blue smiled _ very _politely at him. He could see through it. She hated being her. He couldn’t blame her. 

“Do you normally wear that?” He pointed to her scrubs. 

“I was told that you were a child. I didn’t know you were-” she stops waiting for Ronan to fill in his age. The last age Ronan remembers being was 18. 

“I think I’m 21. Declan, does that math make sense?” 

“He’s 21. The last year he remembers is 2016.” Declan tells her. “Blue, if you follow me I will show you what medications Ronan needs to take.” He leads her into the kitchen where all of Ronan’s pills are. 

Ronan was left alone in the living room, but not for long. There was a knock on the door and Ronan answered it. Adam was standing on the other side of the door, quickly looking inside to see if Ronan was alone. 

“Who’s here?” He asked quietly. 

“Just Declan and this nurse. They’re in the back.” Adam practically leaped into Ronan’s arms, wrapping his arms around his body and pressing his face into his neck, taking in his smell. 

Ronan took a step back to stop himself from falling over from Adam’s body pressed against him. 

“Adam.” Ronan says quietly, worried that Declan would hear. 

“I’m sorry.” Adam lets go of him. “I just missed you.” Adam was still holding onto Ronan’s hands. 

“Adam, I don’t remember you. It’s retrograde amnesia, the doctors said-”

“You really don’t remember me?” 

“No, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t remember us?” Adam looked heartbroken. 

“I don’t know you.” Ronan didn’t know what to tell him. 

Adam lets go of his hands and looks down to his feet. He nods solemnly and turns around to open the door. “I’ll see you around, okay?” And then he was gone. 

* * *

“Tell me about me and Kavinsky.” Ronan said as he and Gansey were sitting at Nino’s. 

Gansey let out a sigh. “You two got together in his last year at Aglionby. I think it made it easier for you that everyone was leaving and moving on to still have someone here. I don’t know how,” Gansey looked down at the table, “how passionate your relationship was.”

“Uh, god. Don’t say things like _ passionate. _ I don’t even remember liking K. Now I’m supposed to be his boyfriend?”

“Ronan, you don’t need to stay dating him. It’s not fair to you to be forced into some relationship you don’t remember. I know Kavinsky can be an ass at times but I’m sure he could be understanding. You don’t need to do this.”

Ronan rested his head in his hand. “I’ve never had a boyfriend before and now I wake up and I’ve been dating K for three years? It feels fucked up.”

“It is _ fucked up.” _ Gansey swore quietly. “Listen, if you want to break up with him I will support you. I know Declan will, too.”

Ronan took a bite of his pizza and settled into the booth. Nino’s still looked the same as he remembered, they sat in the same booth they always did when they came as teenagers. 

“I had a dream last night.” Ronan said and Gansey piqued up. “Adam was in it.”

“Adam?” Gansey looked confused. He and Adam really must have not gotten along in front of Gansey. “I shouldn’t have brought him with me the other day. You two just never got alone, I guess you’re both so different.”

“He was just _ there _ and then I woke up. I really don’t remember him. Not even from Aglionby.”

“He spent most of his time alone. He was a scholarship student and he’s always felt embarrassed by it. But when you dropped out we met in Latin and we got along really well. We’d all come to Nino’s together, ride around town, I even took him to DC for one of my mothers events. We went to Harvard together and when I moved to DC he moved back to Henrietta.”

“You like him?”

“Adam’s the smartest person I know. He’s incredible. I was really hoping that maybe the two of you could reconnect. I know he’s lonely being here.”

Ronan stirred his coke with his straw. If he and Adam didn’t get along then why did Adam come and visit him alone? Why’d he say he missed him?

“I should get you home. I know your nurse will have it with me if you’re late for your medication times.” Gansey said looking at his rolex. 

“You do _ not _ want to piss her off. I called her Indigo the other day as a joke and I swear, never again.” Ronan shook his head at the memory. 

“She is something.”

When Gansey pulled into the Barns they both recognized the white Mitsubishi parked out front. Kavinsky was inside arguing with Blue about his presence in the barns.

“Declan didn’t list you as a guest and since Ronan isn’t here I don’t want you here!” She said to him. 

“Calm your tits down, alright? I’m just here to check up on my boyfriend and to make sure you’re not poisoning him.” Blue shot daggers at him.

“What are you doing here?” Ronan asked as Gansey brought him in.

“Babe! Would you tell her that I’m allowed to be here.” Kavinsky threw his arms in the air.

“Actually Kavinsky, I think it would be best if you left. Ronan needs to rest and to be quite honest, he doesn’t remember being your boyfriend.” Gansey said. “And you shouldn’t be speaking to Blue that way.”

Blue looked up at Gansey from across the room.

“Fuck you, Dick. Ronan wants me here.” Kavinsky turned to look at Ronan, waiting for his response.

“Maybe you should go, K. I need to rest.” Ronan didn’t bother looking at K. 

“They have you brainwashed, man. Call me when you’re back to normal.” He slammed the door when he left. 

“How long was he here for?” Gansey asked Blue.

“Only a few minutes. He wouldn’t leave.”

“I’m sorry. I will be telling Declan about this. Ronan, I really think you should consider breaking up with him.”

“Don’t tell me what to do. Jesus fuck. I’m not a baby!” Ronan stormed upstairs to his room.

“I’ll bring him his pills. Thanks for bringing him back.” Blue told Gansey.

“It was no problem. I’m going back to DC tonight but maybe I should get your number. In case you need anything or-”

Blue rolled her eyes. “You think I want to give you my number just because you stood up for me back there?”

“What? No! Not at all. I was just thinking because Ronan-”

“I’m kidding. I guess we should exchange numbers. Incase Ronan goes rogue.” She pulled out her phone from her scrubs pocket. It was an old purple Blackberry. 

“Haven’t seen one of those in a while.” Gansey smiled when he entered his number into it. 

“Not all of us can afford to be some rich politicians son in DC with fancy things.” She took her phone back from him.

“You know who I am?” Gansey put his hands in his pockets, completely fascinated by Blue.

“Your mom ran for my district.”

“I hope you won’t base all your assumptions about me from her. We’re very different.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Blue almost smiled. “I need to go bring him his pills.”

“Yes! Well, good luck with him. Let me know if you need anything.” Gansey watched her walk back into the kitchen and then let himself out.

* * *

Ronan didn’t remember any of his dreams from the night before and he had no new messages on his phone. He went downstairs to find Blue in the kitchen making a smoothie. 

“Don’t get too comfortable. I don’t think we’ll need you for very long.” 

“Too bad you weren’t the one that hired me. I’m sure your brother wants me here as long as possible.” She told him. “Here, drink up.” 

He hates to admit but it is delicious. He drinks the entire glass and then makes himself some toast. The house looks way cleaner than it’s ever been. Blue must have been cleaning it for him. She’s not in her scrubs today, instead a dress that looks like it was a T-shirt at one point in time. 

“What are you dressed up for?” 

“We’re going to see your car today.” She told him. “Go get dressed.” 

“My BMW? It’s still alive after the crash?” He was astonished. No one had mentioned his car so he just assumed it was totalled. 

“I have no clue what state it’s in. I was just instructed by Declan to take you the the shop to look at it.”

They get into Blue’s small grey Pontiac. Ronan doesn’t remember a lot but he knows he’s a better driver than her. They arrive at the mechanic after lots of swerving and swearing from the both of them. Blue tells Ronan to stay outside while she goes in to check where his car is. Ronan spots it in the far garage, windows smashed, a huge dent in the front, the bumper completely off. Ronan also spots Adam in a pair of coveralls working on his precious car. 

“Adam?” He asks and sees him slide out from underneath his car. 

“Oh, Ronan. Hey. Just trying to save your baby.” He wipes his grease covered hands on his coveralls. 

“You work here? Didn’t you go to Harvard?” 

Adam’s face turns red, he knows how it looks. “Just for the summer. I worked here all throughout high school and I needed a job. I’ll find something in my field in the fall.” Ronan nods. “You’re looking good. Moving a lot better.”

“Yeah, thanks. I’ve got a nurse who’s been looking after me. I’m feeling a little better. Once this stupid fucking cast comes off I’ll be healed.” He motions to his cast. 

“You can’t rush things.” He smiles at him. “Listen, Ronan, I wanted to apologize for coming over the other day. I know it wasn’t fair to you to come and see you when you don’t remember. But I want you to know that I’m waiting.” 

“Waiting for what?” 

Adam sighs. “For you to remember.” 

Ronan’s so fucking tired of people not realizing that he might not _ ever _remember. Remember his life after high school, his boyfriend, whatever the fuck Adam is on about. 

“And what if I don’t?” 

“I’ll still be here.” Adam smiles at the small woman who comes up next to Ronan. “You must be his nurse.” 

“Hi, I’m Blue.” 

“Adam.” He gestures to his dirty hands so they don’t shake. “I don’t know if your car will ever be back to normal, but we’re trying our best. I know how much it means to you.” 

Ronan looked at him suspiciously. “It was my dads.” 

“I’ve heard all about it. We’ve ordered in a new bumper and windshield and in the meantime we’re working on fixing the dents. You’re so lucky that you didn’t lose your life.” Adam looks at him genuinely. 

“I’ve heard that a lot.” 

“A lot of people would’ve been ruined.” Adam looks away from Ronan and back to the car. “You can come check up on it whenever you’d like or we can call you when it’s finished.” 

“Sure. Should I give the shop my number?” 

“I’ve got it. I can call you.” Adam tells him. 

* * *

_ Come over _ Kavinsky texts Ronan. 

_ Is it the same place you were at in high school? _

_ Shit u rlly don’t remember anything. I’ll cum 2 U _

Twenty minutes later Kavinsky lets himself into Ronan's house. Blue was watching him angrily from the couch. 

“I’m assuming he’s upstairs?” Kavinsky asks as he looks around. Blue nods once. K bounds the stairs and throws Ronan’s door open. “Hey babe. Miss me?” 

Ronan was laying in bed with his leg elevated on a pillow after it started to hurt today. Blue offered to rub it for him but Ronan fiercely declined. 

“Can’t say I really thought about you.” He watches Kavinsky look around his room and then make his way to the bed, sitting at the end of it. 

“My place is way better. I’m glad you never invite me here, nothing to do. Too wholesome. There’s a nurse downstairs that could hear us.” He winked at Ronan. 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t really want to _ do _anything with you until I remember being your boyfriend.” 

“Not even a kiss?” Kavinsky puckered his lips. 

“No.” Ronan rolls his eyes. “I think it would be best if we broke up. Until I remember.”

“No, no, no. I think that would be a terrible idea. You’re just gonna learn all these new things and just _ forget _ about your past? I can help you, Ronan. I _ know _you. This will help bring back your memories. Try it. We haven’t even been together a full week and you’re already trying to dump me?”

“I just don’t want to waste your time.” He mumbles. 

“Trust me, if I get worried I can always get it from someone else. Come on, Ro. Maybe a blowie could help jog your memory?” Kavinsky ran his hand up and down Ronan’s thigh. 

“No. Blue!” Ronan called through the door. 

“What?” Blue opened the door and saw Kavinsky about to pounce on Ronan. 

“Kavinsky has to go now.” K stands up and leaves without Blue’s assistance. Ronan can hear and car start and squeal down the dirt road from his room. 

“He’s awful.” Blue tells him. 

“Could we not fucking talk about it?” Ronan snaps. 

“Fine. You get some more medicine in an hour.” Blue shut his bedroom door hard. 

_ We’re still together. Don’t forget it. - K _

* * *

Adam Parrish decided to move back to Henrietta after college. He went to Harvard on a scholarship but trying to keep up with the lifestyle of living off of daddy's money that his peers did still wiped out most of his savings. Gansey moved to DC to start his career in political science and encouraged Adam to move out with him. Everything about Adam’s life was up in the air: when would his next paycheck come in, where would he live, could he ever move on from Henrietta and past? 

He decided it was best to work at Boyd’s for the summer and then attempt to move on with his life. Being friends with Gansey made it seem like anything was possible. He could move to DC or New York, or Connecticut. He could afford a nice place on his own. He could be introduced as _ Adam Parrish _and now have people question his home life. He worked at Boyd’s all throughout high school, it was his favourite of all the after school jobs he had. Boyd was nice enough and lenient with his hours but always gave him more in Adam requested. Working in the hood of a car or being under one — Adam felt free. His mind knew exactly what the problem was and his hands knew how to solve it. Nothing could stop Adam when he was presented with a shitty car that needed a tune up. 

Adam’s hands dropped the wrench he was holding when he saw the tow truck pulled in a smashed up BMW. He knew that car, he could recognize it from a mile away. Adam ran over to the truck and asked questions a mile a minute. Finally landing on _ what happened? _

“Bad crash. Idiot kids.” The gruff tow truck driver said as he lowered the car off the back. 

“Is everyone okay?” Adam panicked. 

“Do I look like a paramedic? Everyone was gone when I showed up.” 

Adam inspected the car when it was towed into his garage. The windshield was completely smashed, left side mirror gone, head lights smashed, huge dent in the hood and the bumper was hanging on for dear life. What did he do?

Adam ran to the back room to fish his phone out of his backpack. Gansey finally convinced him to get one in college and he’s never turned back, he loves getting to text and call people, to google whatever he wants in an instant without having to bug his friend to borrow their phone. The last text on his phone was from R. _ See you tonight. _

He needs to call Gansey. He needs to keep his cool. He needs to know what’s going on. 

“Adam, now’s not the best time.” Gansey said as he answered his phone on the first ring.

“It’s Ronan isn’t it?” Adam’s voice was shaky. Gansey was quiet on his end. “His BMW just got towed into Boyd’s. Gansey, what’s going on?” 

“I’m not sure, yet. Declan just called me in a panic. He’s rushing down to the hospital and I’m on my way as soon as I can. Matthew is in town but Declan doesn’t want him to go alone. It sounds like its a mess, Adam.” Gansey confided in him. Adam closed his eyes and felt like praying to a god he didn’t believe in. 

“Is there anything I can do? I’m in Henrietta I can go see him.” 

“No, no. It’s. I’ll let you know if we need anything. Kavinsky went with him in the ambulance to the hospital and then they contacted Declan. I’m not even sure if he’s alive.” Gansey sounded like he was about to break. 

“Don’t say that.” Adam’s voice wavered. 

“I know. I know. I should go. I’ll call you if I hear anything, okay?” And then he was gone.

Adam could hear the sound of someone coming into the back room, he quickly put his phone away and wiped at any stray tear that managed to fall during the call. He took in a deep breath and made his way back to Ronan’s car. He’ll fix it. He’ll make it shiny and new again for him. This is what Adam did, cleaned up other people’s messes. It’s what he was good at. If he couldn’t control his own life he could control some aspect of someone else’s. 

“What’s this doing here? This should be at the junkyard.” Boyd said when he looked at the car. 

“I’m going to fix it.” 

“Don’t waste your time with it. We’ll tell the owner it’s a goner.” He looked at the tag on the car to see the ID of the owner. 

“I know the owner. I’d like to try to do my best with it. Please.” Adam looked at his boss. After working under him for five years Boyd knows what Adam is capable of, he nods and lets him get to work. 

By the end of Adam’s shift he removed the bumper and all the headlights and made notes of what parts he needed to order in to try to salvage it. He took his phone out and saw he had two missed calls and a few texts from Gansey. He called him when he got in his car to drive back to his one bedroom apartment. 

“I’m in Henrietta. I went to the hospital, he’s in a coma.” Adam swore into his phone. “He’s… alive. He looks bad. Broken arm, cuts on his face. Kavinsky told the cops that they were racing again and he must have spun out and he hit a light pole. Airbag didn’t go off right away. The doctors said something about potential brain damage because of the way he hit his head. They won’t know until he wakes up. _ If _he wakes up.”

“Gansey.” Adam pulled his car over so he could rest his head on the steering wheel. “How’s Declan and Matthew?”

“Not great. Declan is so angry. At him. At Kavinsky. Matthew is just… I’ve never seen him like that before. How much loss can this family go through? He’s at the same hospital that their mom died in.”

“Gansey, if you need somewhere to stay I have a couch. It pulls out. I’m not sure how long you’ll be down for.” 

“Thanks. I might have to take you up on that. Declan and Matthew are staying at the Barns and I was just going to get a hotel. I’d love to crash with you for at least tonight.” 

“Of course. I’m just leaving work now. I know this might not be appropriate but I’d love to be able to visit Ronan.” 

Gansey was quiet. “It’s family only right now. But I’m sure we could sneak you in. He’s not really in the best state for visitors right now but once he is I’m sure he’d appreciate knowing someone wanted to see him.”

Gansey met Adam outside his apartment and he let him inside. It was a small place but he was only anticipating being here for a few months, maybe longer if he needed. Adam pulled out the couch and grabbed the extra sheets from the closet while Gansey took a shower. He smelled the hospital and sweat from the hot summer air. Adam left a pair of pyjamas out for him to change into as he made dinner for the two of them. They did that a lot in college, when one was busy studying in the library the other would make some form of nutritious meal to share. 

“This is such a nightmare.” Gansey said as he toweled off his hair. “I thought he left his racing days when he was a teenager. How stupid can he be? Kavinsky knows better too. I could hit him.” 

“I’m sure Declan feels the same as you do.” 

“Declan was seething. He tries his best to look after them, Ronan’s never made it easy but this is the worst thing he could possibly do.”

“His car was a wreck. I knew it was his as soon as it was towed in. I just. I couldn’t stop thinking about _ what _ happened. I was so scared.” 

“He’ll pull through. This is Ronan. He’ll come out perfectly fine and then get mad at us for trying to claim he died.” Gansey tried to smile at the memory of his friend. 

“You should get some sleep. You’ve had a long, stressful day.” Adam tells him and hands him a pillow. 

“Thanks. I really appreciate this, Adam. You’re a good friend.” Gansey sat back on the mattress. “Tomorrow I’ll see if we can visit him.” 

Adam smiled at Gansey and left him to shower. He stripped his clothes that had some grease on the and turned on the shower, the mirror was foggy from Gansey’s shower so his reflection looked blurry. Adam looked tired, dark circles under his eyes and his cheeks looked gaunt. Did he even eat today? His mind wouldn’t stop thinking about Ronan. He stepped into the shower and stood under the shower head. It felt good, the heavy pelts of water hitting his back. It was only warm water because Gansey had used all the hot water. With the sound of the running water he knew he was safe to cry without being heard. This was the worst feeling; not knowing the state that Ronan is in, not knowing how he’ll be, if he’ll survive this. He cried until the water ran cold. 

Adam didn’t sleep at all that night, but he didn’t think Gansey slept either. He could hear him flop back and forth and the springs of the mattress squeak. Adam didn’t have to work until one so he knew he had time to sleep in and if he was lucky to see Ronan. Gansey told him that Declan was texting with him and that he would be at the hospital by eleven but they are allowing visitors from the hours of nine to four. They immediately got dressed and rushed over to the hospital, Gansey knew which floor and room he was in. He checked them in and a nurse brought them to his room as well and checking on his blood levels. 

“He was fine overnight. It’s just a waiting game now, he could wake up anytime. Today, a week from now, a month.” She told them. 

“What if he doesn’t wake up?” Adam asked. 

The nurse furrowed her brows at his question. “That’s something for the family to deal with.” She left them alone with Ronan. 

He had an IV drip in his arm, tubes running up his nose, he didn’t look like Ronan at all. Gansey stood somber at the side of his bed, running his hand over Ronan’s arm. 

“Hi, Ronan.” He said quietly. “It’s Gansey and I brought Adam with me.” 

“Hi, Ronan.” Adam stood on the other side of the bed and looked down at him. Tears piercing his eyes as he thought about the pain he must be in. “It’s me. It’s Adam.” 

Gansey looked across the bed at him. “We came to visit you. Make sure you’re doing okay. Not giving the doctors a hard time. Adam’s going to fix up your car.” 

Adam reached his hand down to gently touch Ronan’s chest. It was moving up and down, his fingertips just brushed over it. “I’m going to save your car. It’s a bit of a mess but I promise you’ll drive it again.” 

Gansey watched his friend delicately touch Ronan’s chest. He didn’t expect Adam to be so forward with him since they never seemed to get along in high school. 

“Wake up soon.” He heard Adam whisper. 

* * *

Gansey stayed with Adam for the next five days before he had to drive back to DC for a meeting that he couldn’t push off any longer. Adam drove back to the hospital and went to visit Ronan but he stopped in the doorway when he saw Matthew sitting by his bedside. Matthew was holding Ronan’s hand and had headphones on, bobbing his head to the beat. Adam awkwardly stood and watched debating if he should leave or not. Matthew then noticed him and waved him in. 

“Are you here to see Ronan?” He asked as bubbly as he could. 

“Yeah. I’m. A friend of his.” Adam walked to the end of the bed and looked at him. He looked the same as the last time he visited, only this time the bruise on his face was a little deeper in colour. 

“I’m Matthew. His brother. Declan was just here but he went to get lunch.” 

“I’m Adam. I’m also friends with Gansey.”

“Oh, Gansey!” Matthew smiled. “He’s the best! He had to go back to DC but he said he’d be back.”

“He’s been staying at my place while he’s been down.” 

“You live in Henrietta?” Matthew asked. Adam nodded. “Did you go to Aglionby?”

“Yeah. I didn’t really know Ronan until my last year when he dropped out. That’s when I became friends with Gansey and he introduced us.” 

“Cool! I don’t think he’s ever mentioned you. Not to be rude! I just don’t remember an Adam.” Matthew blushed at his sudden rudeness. 

“That’s fine! Honestly, I don’t expect him to mention me.” Adam looked back down at Ronan. He missed looking at his eyes. It was nice to see Matthew and see those familiar blue eyes. 

A loud knock on the door startled both Adam and Matthew, they looked and saw Kavinsky brashly enter the quiet hospital room. 

“Matty, what’s good?” He asked as he threw himself into the seat on the other side of the bed. 

“Joseph.” Matthew said cooly. Or as cool as he was capable of. 

“Just thought I’d drop by and check on my boo.” He made obnoxious kissy noises that made Adam want to snap. “Who are you? His male nurse?” 

Adam looked over at Kavinsky and tried his best to ignore him. He hated Kavinsky. He hates what he does to Ronan, he hates how careless he is with Ronan, he hates that Ronan is here because of him. 

“Do you think they have beer here?” He asked Adam, knowing Matthew was too pure to even think about drinking at this time. 

“It’s a hospital.” Adam could strangle him.

“They really need to put bars in hospitals. Would make it worth my while coming over here.” He stood and reached into his jean pocket to pull out his wallet. He grabbed a few dollars and waved to at Matthew. “Go get me an energy drink or something from the vending machine.”

“Do it yourself.” Adam told him sternly. 

“I don’t really know who the fuck you are but I’m trying to be here with my boyfriend. Do you want to do it then?” He challenged Adam.

“Adam, it’s fine, I’ll go.” Matthew let go of Ronan’s hand to get the money. 

“No.” Adam told him. “Get your drink yourself, Kavinsky.” 

Kavinsky looked at Adam with dark eyes. He bent down to kiss Ronan on his chapped, pale lips and then left the room and boldly as he entered. 

“I could have gone.” Matthew says as he takes Ronan’s hand again.

“Don’t let him boss you around.” Adam looked down at Ronan’s face. His lips had stitches in them, as much as he’d want to he wouldn’t kiss Ronan in this state. “I should go. I’m sure I will see you again once Gansey gets back from DC.” He smiled at Matthew as he left.

The hospital was busy, lots of families waiting outside and sitting in chairs. He hated hospitals, the last time Adam was in one was after his father hit him and he lost his hearing in one ear. He never wanted to be in one again. He’d make an exception to visit Ronan. He’d come as often as he could just to see him. He turned the hall and saw Kavinsky standing in front of a vending machine trying to pick what drink to get. He looked up at Adam when he saw him coming. 

“I don’t know you and I don’t know what the fuck your deal is but if you _ ever _ try to come between me and _ my _ boyfriend again, you’re dead.” Kavinsky threatened him. 

“You don’t scare me.” Adam said as he kept walking. He was about to leave when he saw the reception desk and he thought it wouldn’t do any harm in trying. “Excuse me, there was someone in the hallway threatening someone. His name is Joseph Kavinsky.”

“Let me write that down, is he a patient?” The receptionist asked him. 

“No. He was visiting a patient. Ronan Lynch in room 322.” Adam looked back to make sure Kavinsky wasn’t following him. 

“Thank you. We’ll flag his name and keep a watch on him if he comes back to visit him again.”

* * *

“Blue, could you snap my phone in half? I’d do it but my fucking cast is stopping me.” Ronan asked as he scrolled through the messages on his phone.

“No I don’t get paid for breaking phones.” 

Ronan hated his phone. He was sick of getting hourly texts from Declan and Gansey asking him how his is and he’s sick of getting sexts from Kavinsky. He doesn’t mind getting the sweet texts from whoever P is but in general he’s over his phone. 

“Why don’t you just put it on silent? Or, I don’t know, turn it off?” Blue said sarcastically. 

“If I don’t reply to Gansey’s texts he’ll get the FBI in here or some shit. Search the place to make sure I’m still alive.”

“I’m texting Gansey your updates.”

“Why do you have his number?”

“He gave it to me.”

Ronan rolls his eyes. “God, he’s so pathetic. Hitting on my nurse? I’ll pay you extra so I can send him texts from your phone.”

“You actually don’t pay me at all. Your brother does. And I don’t mind texting Gansey. He actually knows how to communicate like an adult.” 

“Whatever.” Ronan laughed. He actually enjoyed spending time with Blue. They shared the same zero fucks attitude and it was nice to be with someone who didn’t know Ronan before the accident. Everyone keeps telling him what he _ was _ like instead of just experiencing him as he is now. He doesn’t know how different he was or what he’d do or say. He just knows how he is now. He’s Ronan Niall Lynch and if you don’t like that fuck off. Blue also enjoyed telling Kavinsky to piss off whenever he’d come around to the house. Her favourite excuse was that Ronan was sleeping but they could both hear him in the kitchen or walking around upstairs. She didn’t like him for the get go, he was rude and inconsiderate. Ronan didn’t really know why he ever dated him in the first place. None of his friends or family seem to like him, was he really that alone that he turned to him? 

At some point Kavinsky even sent him photos of the two together in compromising positions. Ronan wonders who he was. How similar to Kavinsky was he? Did his family hate him as much as they hated Kavinsky? Gansey still seemed to like Ronan, but maybe it was their brotherly bond that tied them together for life. No matter what happens, we’re brothers. Even sweet, smart, friendly Adam seemed to like Ronan. He couldn’t have been a complete ass or else Adam wouldn’t be checking in on him with Gansey and working so hard to fix his car. 

“Declan said he was coming back tonight from DC. He’s going to be with you for the weekend.” Blue tells him as she sorts his pills for the next few days. 

“That blows. I like you more than Declan.” 

Blue just looks at him. At first she thought this was going to be a painful process, wishing she was still working with seniors at the old folks home, but now she’s grown to enjoy Ronan. 

“I’ll be back on Monday. Maybe we can go visit your car again?” She suggests. 

“Yeah. If Declan knew that I was having my car fixed he’d just call the shop and tell them to total it.” 

His weekend with Declan was _ bearable. _They didn’t do much, Ronan lounged and walked around the yard with “supervision” and Declan wrote emails and sat at the kitchen table making phone calls. Matthew stopped by for dinner and introduced Ronan to the girl he was seeing, Samantha. She was nice enough. Declan claimed he already vetted her but she had the same kind of unbridled joy that Matthew seemed to have. By the end of the weekend he turned his phone back on and had a few texts from Gansey asking how he was, even one from Blue questioning how much better she is at nursing than Declan. He had no texts from Kavinsky, which made him happy, and no texts from P, which he didn’t know how to feel about it. He still wasn’t sure who P was and he could probably have asked Gansey but he liked that there was a secret person in his life. Someone that cared so deeply about Ronan. Maybe he should text him? 

_ Hey _

Not even a minute passes before he gets a response. 

_ — Hey. I’m so glad you texted me :) _

_ I don’t know who’s number this is _

Ronan puts his phone down so he could take a shower before bed but his phone dings again. 

_ — You don’t? :( _

Who the fuck was this? Ronan took a shower before he responded so he wouldn’t get distracted again. He’d have to remember to ask Gansey about this. Gansey probably knew his social insurance number he had to know who P was. When he got out he saw that P had texted him a few more times. 

_ — we could meet up and see each other _

_ — or we could just text some more until you remember _

_ I don’t meet up with strangers _

_ — I’m not really a stranger _

Ronan turned his phone off again to go to sleep. His mind ran wild of ideas of who P could be. He woke up the next morning to music blasting from downstairs. Blue must be here. He tried to fall back asleep but the music wouldn’t stop. Ronan got out of bed, only wearing his boxers that he fell asleep in, and charged downstairs. Blue was sitting in the middle of the living room, her legs crossed, and eyes closed. She was in her scrubs today and a small laptop sat in front of her. 

“Is that Enya?” Ronan asked when he recognized the music. 

“I find her relaxing.” Her eyes were still closed. “Come sit. Relax.” 

Ronan sat across from her and crossed his legs. He looked over at her, unsure if he should close his eyes. 

“Shut them.” Blue instructed and he did. They both sat and listened to Enya on the floor. Ronan thinks this is the closest bonding he’s ever done with a girl. 

“Don’t you feel calm?” Blue asks after a few songs play. 

“Nothing in my life feels calm right now.” 

Blue opened her eyes to look at him. “It will get better.” 

“How do you know?” 

“You’re young.”

Ronan clenched his jaw. “I can’t remember anything. How the fuck is me being young going to help this?”

“Don’t you think that you’ve been given an opportunity to start again? You can do whatever you want now. Your past mistakes don’t apply to you anymore. I didn’t know you before but you shouldn’t live in this burden. You’re not trapped.” 

“What are you some poet? That sounds nice but it’s kinda hard when you’re actually in my position. I wake up with no memory of this shitty boyfriend I have, I don’t even remember my life choices that lead me to _ dating _him, my dads car — one of the only things I had left to remember him by — is ruined, and now I keep getting these texts saying how this person loves me and misses me. I’m fucking tired of it all.” Ronan stood. 

“Someone’s texting you?” Blue turned her music off and stood with him. 

“Yes. I don’t know who they are. They’re listed as P. Who the fuck is that?” 

“Did you read through your past messages to see if you might remember?” Ronan’s face clearly said _ no I didn’t even think of that because I hate technology. _

“Give me that.” Blue took his phone from him and started to read through his text conversation with P. “‘I miss you, can I come visit you?’ Then you said a few days before your accident ‘I loved seeing you last night’ and P said ‘I miss the feel of you’. Ew! Ronan, don’t make me read your sext messages!” Blue threw his phone back at him. 

“How was I supposed to know those were in there? Let me see that.” He took the phone and scrolled further back. 

_ I love you so much, I miss kissing you, I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. _All sent from Ronan. 

“I should ask Gansey. He would know.” 

“Gansey told me he was coming down on Wednesday.” Blue tells him. 

“Oh, so now the two of you are texting?”

“No! He just said if I wanted the day off he was coming to see you.” Blue said defensively. “Get dressed, we’re going to see your car.” 

The drive down to Boyd’s was once again painful. Ronan couldn’t wait to get his cast off and then he could drive them around. It wasn’t busy at this hour but Ronan could see Adam in his coveralls changing the tire of a red Honda. They got out and went to see Ronan’s car in the garage. He ran his hand down the door and felt all the scratches and dents. 

“Still a bit beat up.” Adam said from behind. Ronan turned and looked at him. He looked good, he had some grease on his cheek but he filled out his coveralls well. 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time on it?” 

“Yeah. I’m the only mechanic in today so I’ve been busy with oil changes and changing tires.” 

“Hey, take your time. I won’t be driving for a while.” Ronan raised his cast. 

“Are you feeling better?” 

“I guess. I still don’t remember a lot. But I’m not as sore as I was.” 

“Good.” Adam smiled. “Listen, do you want to get coffee sometime? Or pizza? I have something I need to talk to you about.” 

Blue looked up at Ronan with her brows furrowed. “I guess. Gansey is coming down on Wednesday.” 

“Oh, I was hoping it could just be the two of us.” Adam’s cheeks reddened.

“I can drive him.” Blue offered. “When do you get off work?” 

“Five.” 

“I’ll drop Ronan off at Nino’s and you can talk there.” 

Adam smiled at Blue and then at Ronan. “Does that work for you?”

“I guess I don’t have much of a choice.” 

Adam met Ronan at Nino’s as soon as he was done work. He saw Ronan sitting in a booth near the back and quickly slid into it. He changed from his coveralls to a T-shirt and a pair of ripped jeans. Ronan noticed the rips. Ronan had already ordered a drink while he was waiting. 

“Hi. I hope you weren't waiting awhile.” Adam said as he checked his watch, it was ten after five. 

“Just got here.” Ronan said as he placed his hands on the table. Adam reached out to hold them, then quickly realizing what he did let go and placed his hands in his lap. 

“Sorry. Bad habit.” 

“Do you want to split a pizza?” Ronan asked. 

“Sausage and avocado?” Adam smiled. He must have come with him and Gansey to Nino’s before. 

“So what did you want to talk about?” 

Adam took in a breath of courage. He looked around to make sure no one was obviously listening in. “I wanted to talk about us. Before your accident. You need to know the truth.” 

“Okay?” Ronan took a sip of his drink. 

Adam folded his hands together on the table almost as a distraction. “Before you got in your accident we were… together.” 

“What?”

“No one knew.” Adam explained. 

“But I was dating Kavinsky.” 

“I know. We were doing it behind his back. You said you were going to break up with him.” 

Ronan felt mad. He was waiting for this to happen, granted he didn’t expect it from Adam, someone who Gansey spoke so highly about. Less than two weeks into have amnesia someone finally cracks and decides to twist Ronan’s life for their own benefit. 

“No.” Ronan said. 

“What?” Adam looked confused, his brows furrowed. 

“I’m not going to let you make up some lies so you can say you dated me? What the fuck, man. Gansey said we didn’t even like each other so what’s your deal?” 

“Of course he thinks we didn’t like each other, we were dating behind his back!” Adam tried to keep himself contained. “I know it sounds crazy but I’m telling you the truth. We’ve been dating since I left for Harvard. I love you, Ronan.” He reached his hand across the table to take Ronan’s. 

“What was the point of us dating behind everyone’s back? That makes no sense.” 

“For some reason Kavinsky has this huge control over you. I think at first you liked the thrill of doing something in secret but soon we just started dating. No more flings. And Gansey just never thought we’d get along. I mean, he was right for the start. He invited me over a few times and you _ really _ didn’t like me and I _ really _didn’t like you because of that. But the more I got to know you…” Adam trailed off. 

Ronan shook his head still having a hard time believing it all. “This seems very convenient for you.” 

“How so?” Adam asks. 

“You have this secret crush on me and now that I can’t remember you tell me we were dating behind everyone’s back. So no one has proof of it? Nice try, Adam.” Ronan stood up in the booth to leave but Adam stopped him. 

“Parrish. You call me Parrish.” 

Ronan stopped in his tracks, a chill running down his neck. He whipped around to look at Adam sitting smugly in the booth. 

“Are you P?” 

Adam pulls out his phone and opens his messages from _ R _with all of the texts that Ronan recognizes as his own. What the fuck. 

“What’s going on? Am I having a stroke?” 

“I hope not. I kind of would like my boyfriend to be around for a little longer. Almost lost him in a crash.” 

“Keep your voice down. You don’t know who’s in here.” Ronan shushed him. 

Adam barked out a laugh. What a beautiful, eccentric laugh he had. “Ronan it’s just Aglionby students. I don’t think they know who you are. Now, they might recognize me. I was the valedictorian.” 

“How’d you swing that? Gansey was probably pissed.” Ronan sat in the booth again. 

“He wasn’t. He voted for me. It was a great ceremony. You didn’t go to that by the way.” 

“How’d we even get together?” Ronan finally asked. He was tired of living in the dark. 

“I finished work early one day and drove over to Monmouth. This was before I had a phone and I didn’t know if Gansey was there or not. Still one of the best mistakes that ever happened to me.” Adam smiled. 

“So what happened?”

“I knocked and no one answered. His car wasn’t out front so I should have known he wasn’t home. But I went in anyways, you were in the kitchen. You asked me what I was doing there and I told you I was looking for Gansey. You said I could wait for him and he’d be back soon. But what you _ didn’t _ tell me was that he was going to visit his sister for the weekend so he wouldn’t be home. We talked all night. I eventually left but that was our secret. We became friends. We would hang out when Gansey was busy or you’d come over to my place at St Agnes. When it started to get more serious and we needed to _ hide _ it a bit better from everyone, Gansey, Kavinsky, your brother, we’d go to the Barns. That’s where I fell in love with you.” 

Ronan felt his cheeks blush. Adam really must love him, he could hear it in his voice. 

“You kissed me for the first time in your bedroom at the Barns.” Adam smiles at the memory. 

“_ I _kissed you?” Ronan asked, sounding surprised at that. Adam nodded. “And no one knows about this?” 

“Well, one person knows. Once we graduated and I went off to college we needed a better hangout spot than Nino’s so you found a bar in Singers Falls. We would go there whenever I came home and we didn’t have to hide a thing. I was your boyfriend, you were mine. No Kavinsky, no Gansey to worry about. Just us. And the bartender, Noah. He’d be thrilled to see you, I don’t think he knows what’s happened to you.” 

“Maybe you should take me there, then. To meet Noah.” Ronan suggests. 

Adam lead Ronan to his car in the back lot, a small blue Honda. He opened the passenger door for Ronan and got in and sped away to Singers Falls. 

“You’ve been around here a lot?” Ronan asks.

“I grew up in Henrietta. You were the one who brought me to this part of town.” 

“Why’d you move back here when you finished school? Couldn’t you get a job like Dick in DC?” 

Adam chuckled at his question. “I _ could _ have but I don’t have a lot in my savings. Sure, I got to Harvard on a full scholarship but I spent a lot of money trying to fit in. Everyone is rich there. I didn’t grow up with money. At all. And I spent a lot of money on my cell phone and gas driving back to Henrietta a lot.” He looked over at Ronan to gage his reaction. “So I decided to suck it up for a summer and work full time at Boyd’s and save a little money. And I got to see you.” 

“How often did we see each other if I was still with Kavinsky?”

“You would only see him when you went to his house. You spent most of your time together racing. We had the Barns to ourselves.” 

“You still wanted to be with me even though I was with K?” Ronan looked over at Adam. He was focused on the road but his mouth quirked up in thought. 

“Yes. We had an agreement for you to never tell me what you and Kavinsky did. Obviously I’m aware of what he’s like and I know what his expectations were for dating you.” He stopped and squeezed the steering wheel. “But I know how you felt about me. I trusted you.” 

Ronan recognizes the area that the bar was in but he couldn’t remember coming here. Adam suggested that he went in first and Noah would know him. He could ask as many questions about Adam as he wanted, that would be his proof.

Ronan pulled the heavy door open and took in the look of the bar. The floor was covered in red carpet, the lights were dimmed low, and everything looked like it would be sticky. Of course no one would recognize them here, the only patrons in here were on death's door. There wasn’t a tender at the bar currently so Ronan decided to wait at a stool. He looked around and saw some of the older men nod at him in a friendly manner. 

“Long time no see, you ass!” A bright blonde sneaks up from behind the bar. He looks thrilled to see Ronan but he truly doesn’t know him. 

“Noah?” Ronan asks. 

“You’re so weird, man, I swear! Where’s Adam?” He put a rocks glass on the wooden countertop and began to pour what must be Ronan’s beverage of choice. 

“Adam?” 

“What is with you man? Adam. Your boyfriend? Is he parking?” 

“Oh, oh yeah. He’s out back. He’ll be in. We’re on a date.” Ronan looked at Noah for what felt like too long. He looked back at the door and Adam still hadn’t entered. 

“Very romantic. Special date?” He pours a glass of water and sets it in the bar, probably for Adam. 

“No. Just a date. We come here a lot?” Ronan took a sip of his whiskey. 

“When are you two not here? Should put your mugs on the wall as employee of the month!” Noah smiles at him and then gleams at the door and yells, “Adam!” 

Adam sits next to Ronan at the bar and takes a sip of his water that Noah poured for him. “Noah, how are you?”

“So much better that you’re here. Where have you guys been? Go on vacation?” 

“No, Ronan actually had an accident.” Adam looked his way, letting him tell his own story. 

“I got in a car crash. I’m fine except for my broken arm and I have retrograde amnesia.” 

“What? Ronan are you okay? Retrograde… isn’t that like bad luck?” Ronan couldn’t help but laugh at Noah’s reaction. 

“No, it means I can’t remember shit. I don’t remember the last three years. I don’t remember you. I don’t remember dating Adam.” 

“You don’t remember me?” Noah looked like he deflated. “You don’t remember Adam?” 

“No.” Adam said sadly. “I thought bringing him here could help spark some memories.” 

“Ronan, you won’t remember but we’ve had some great times here! Man, I wish you could remember them.” 

“That’s okay. I will remember over time. Hopefully. Adam and Gansey have been really helpful.” 

“Gansey?” Noah asks unaware of the name. 

“Gansey really has never been here?” Ronan asks Adam. 

“I told you,” he grinned at him. “This is our spot.” 

Adam drove Ronan back to the Barns after catching up with Noah and having a few too many drinks on the house. They were sitting in his car in the driveway, the house looked to be illuminated from the kitchen, Blue must have been cooking. 

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.” Adam told him. “I really appreciated it. Even if you didn’t believe me.” 

“I believe you now.” Ronan looked over at him. “But, I’m sure you’re a great guy. Gansey really loves you. I don’t doubt that I loved you. But I just _ don’t _remember. I don’t want to be someone I’m not. I don’t want you to think I’m going to snap back into the old Ronan. It just doesn’t feel right to be forced into these relationships just because I’ve been told that I was in them.” 

Adam couldn’t look at Ronan. This is what he feared he would say. He shut his eyes to attempt to numb the pain of Ronan’s words. 

“I understand. I can’t expect you to just want to jump back into this.” 

“I don’t want to cut you out from my life, though. I had fun tonight. Gansey really likes to talk about you. I’d like to get to know you. And you could get to know this version of me.” 

Adam smiled at him. “I’d really like that.” 

“And maybe we might end up still liking each other. We could try this whole thing again.” 

“Ronan, I still like you. I don’t think there’s anything you could do that would stop me from loving you.” 

“What if I never decide to want to date you again?” He asks quietly. 

“I would still love you even then.” 

“What did you like about me?”

Adam looked over at Ronan. His bruise on his face had started to fade, turning a yellowish green colour. His cuts had healed over too, he still had stitches in his lip. “This is going to sound cheesy.” 

“I want to know. I want to know what was so likeable about me. The last thing I can remember about myself was being a shitty self righteous teen.”

“Everything. I like everything about you. Your sense of humour, your honesty, you care too much about everyone without letting anyone know it. I like holding your hand. I like laying in your bed at the Barns and just being able to listen to you breathe. I like that you never questioned anything about me, you just accepted me for who I was. You never pressed me to talk about anything I didn’t want to, but being around you made me want to be honest with you, honest with myself.”

The moon lit Adam’s face, he looked like he was glowing from the driver's seat. His hands gripped the steering wheel, Ronan wanted to hold them. Feel them. They looked soft and his fingers were long and elegant. As beautiful as Adam looked — he looked tired. Exhausted. How long had they been keeping this secret?

“You make me sound like a saint.” Ronan said. 

“Maybe you are one.” 

“I should go inside. Blue probably wants to give me my pills.”

“When can I see you again?”

“Gansey is coming on Wednesday. We could all get together. You could come back to the Barns.”

“Okay.” Adam smiles. His teeth are incredibly white, he could get whatever he wanted if he just smiled, Ronan thought.

Ronan clicked his seatbelt and let it slide up his chest, he looked back at Adam once more before he leans in, his breath hitting Adam’s cheek. Adam leaned his head forward to rest his forehead on Ronan’s. They stayed like that for a moment, no words said just warm breath exchanged. Ronan could feel Adam’s eyelashes blink against his temple. 

* * *

Gansey was excited to take a few days off to visit Ronan. He was staying at the Barns so he wouldn’t burden Adam with his presence in his small one bedroom apartment. He and Blue had been texting about Ronan’s progress and Gansey couldn’t help but ask her about her day, her plans, any excuse to talk with her. Adam had informed Gansey that Ronan wanted to have the two of them over at the Barns which made Gansey thrilled — he was happy that his two best friends were starting to warm up to each other. He didn’t miss the long stares they exchanged as they sat across from each other in Ronan’s living room. Adam had come straight to the Barns after work, dressing in a raggy shirt and he smelled like gasoline. Ronan couldn’t help but take in a deep breath when he welcome Adam. He loved the smell of gasoline and it smelled even better on Adam. At Ronan’s request Blue joined the boys in the living room. Ronan saw the way Gansey looked at her, watching her every move, smiling at whatever she had to say. 

“How's the car coming along, Adam?” Gansey asked as he relaxed into the couch.

“Ronan smacked it up pretty good but I think it’s coming along quite nicely.”

“As long as you can get it up and running I don’t care what it looks like. As long as I don’t have to ride in the Pig again I’ll be happy.” Ronan told him. Adam smiled at him.

“I wouldn’t subject you to the Pig. I’d call for reinforcements if needed.”

“I’m right here.” Gansey said looking between his two friends. “The Pig is running well, she hasn’t broken down in a while.”

“You’ve gendered your car and you call it Pig?” Blue looks over at Gansey with what must be a look of disgust.

“Well, it’s not like that. I didn’t call it a _ she _because it’s name is the Pig.” He tried to explain.

“There's no fixing this Dick. Accept your fate.” Ronan told him. 

Gansey stood to throw out his empty beer bottle, he took some of the garbage that was sitting on the table. Adam took his and Ronan’s to the kitchen to recycle them. “Should we go out tonight? Dinner?” Gansey suggested.

“Blue have you ever been to Nino’s?” Ronan asked.

“I grew up in Henrietta, I used to work there.”

“You used to work at Nino’s?” Gansey asked in amazement. “We used to go all the time in high school, I’m surprised I don’t remember you.”

“I did my best to avoid serving Aglionby boys.” She said proudly. 

“I say we go out! To Nino’s. To celebrate Ronan’s terrible accident bringing this group together.” Gansey said triumphantly. 

“I’m glad me having amnesia is something worth celebrating.”

“Ronan, you know what I mean. You can’t blame me that my two best friends are now suddenly getting along. I’ve _ dreamed _ of this day. And now we also have the lovely Blue to join us.”

“Let’s go, it will be fun.” Adam placed his hand on Ronan’s shoulder and stroked it. 

* * *

_ Stop ignoring me. I’ll show you what you’ve been missing. Cum over - K _

Ronan did his best to ignore Kavinsky’s calls and texts. He couldn’t stomach scrolling through their old messages. He tried but it left him feeling sick. They were so different from Adam’s. They were mean and dirty, Ronan didn’t recognize the anger that Kavinsky brought out in him. If he wanted to have any chance at rebuilding his relationship with Adam he needed to end it with K. He texted him to meet him at the Barns so they could talk. Ronan could hear the rev of the Mitsubishi when it pulled into the long driveway leading up to the Barns. Ronan had asked Blue to go into town and get him lunch so now he was truly alone with K. 

“Where’s the nurse? Am I supposed to look after you today?” Kavinsky asked as he stepped inside, throwing his leather jacket off and onto the floor. 

“We need to talk.” Ronan told him. He was standing by the staircase not wanting to give the impression that K should get comfortable. 

“So talk.” He said as he stood across from Ronan. 

“I want to break up. I don’t want to get back together. Ever.”

K rolled his eyes and took a step closer to Ronan. “You don’t even know what you’re saying.”

“Yes I do. It’s over.” 

Kavinsky touched Ronan’s chest, his fingers fiddling with Ronan’s shirt. “You don’t even remember what we were like together. How good we were. You don’t remember the way I could make you moan.” He slid his hand down Ronan’s chest and cupped his crotch. Ronan hissed, this was the first time since his accident that someone has touched him like that. He doesn’t even remember being touched like that before. His body reacts against his will and he can feel himself getting hard against Kavinsky’s hand. 

“See how much you want me?” K whispered into his neck, nipping kisses into him. He gripped around Ronan’s clothed erection and began to stroke him. 

“Stop it.” Ronan demanded. 

“Come on, let’s have a little fun. I came all this way. I’ll make you feel so good.” 

“Stop.” Ronan pulled his head away from Kavinsky to stop the kisses. 

“I’ll get on my knees right here, I’ll let you fuck my face.” 

“Get the fuck off of me!” Ronan pushed him hard with one hand. He stumbled backwards a bit from his reaction. Kavinsky’s face was stern as he looked at Ronan. “Get out. Don’t call me. I’m not your fucking boyfriend.” 

“You’re such a pussy now that you can’t remember shit. You’re going to regret this. Don’t come crawling back to me when you want a good fuck, I’m sure Dick can give it to you.” 

K grabbed his jacket from the floor and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Blue was pulling into the driveway when she saw Kavinsky rip out in his car. 

“What the hell was he doing here?” Blue asked as she set Ronan’s lunch down. 

“I broke up with him.” Ronan looked shook up, hugging himself with his good arm. 

“Are you okay, Ronan?” Blue asked and rubbed his back. 

“Will you call Adam? Tell him to come over.” 

Adam came over as soon as he could. He was finishing up at work and promised Blue that he would be over in the next hour. True to his word he was at the Barns in 45 minutes. Blue told him that Ronan was in his room and he was free to go up. Adam knew where his room was, he was very familiar with this house. Spending more time here than he did in his own house. Ronan was sitting on his bed, he was in the same spot where they had their first kiss. 

“Can I come in?” Adam knocked on the open door. Ronan nodded him in and Adam took a seat at the end of the bed. 

“Coca Cola,” Ronan read Adam’s shirt and felt a wave of nostalgia. “I remember this.” 

Adam looked down to his shirt, forgetting what he was actually wearing. “You remember this?”

“I can’t explain it but. I just _ know _I’ve seen that before.” 

Adam nodded at him, allowing him to speak more. 

“You wear this a lot?” 

“Not really,” Adam laughs, “but I guess I wore it enough to leave an impression on you. I’m glad you remember this.” 

Ronan smiled at him, feeling accomplished that he could remember at least one thing. “I broke up with Kavinsky. For good.” 

“Good. I know Gansey and your brothers will be happy.” 

“Are you happy?”

“Yes. He never treated you right. It was torture for me to watch him with you.” Adam touched Ronan’s hand. “Are you alright?” 

“I will be.” Ronan closed his eyes to try to hide the tears he can feel brewing. “I don’t know what you want from me.” 

“Ronan, I want you to be okay. I don’t care if you never remember or you decide you don’t want to date me, I just want to know that you’ll be alright.”

“It’s not fair. You know everything about me and all I know is that you went to Harvard and Gansey loves you and you know how to fix my car and somehow you decided to date me.” Ronan ran his hand through his buzzed hair. 

“So maybe we should start again.” Adam suggested. “Hi, I’m Adam Parrish and I graduated Aglionby Academy at the top of my class. I went to Harvard on a full scholarship because I’m poor and grew up in a trailer park. I don’t speak to my parents anymore and I can’t hear in my left ear because of the abuse from my father. I recently learned from Blue that I’m a Cancer and I’ve been in love with you for two and a half years.” 

“That’s heavy shit.”

“Too much?” Adam smiled. 

“No, I don’t think so. Um, I’m Ronan. My parents died when I was 15 and as much as I miss my mom I don’t think I miss my dad. I don’t think he cared about our family as much as I thought when I was younger. Gansey has been my best friend since then, we lived together when I went to Aglionby and I dropped out before my last year. I’ve been living at the Barns since. I was dating Kavinsky and because of him I got into a car accident that left me with retrograde amnesia which means I don’t remember shit and I can’t remember when you were my boyfriend.” 

“Nice to meet you, Ronan.” Adam shook his hand. “Maybe we’ll be able to change that.” 

“Can I ask you something?” Ronan took his hand back from Adam and stared into his lap. 

“Anything.”

“When we were dating… did we ever… have sex?” 

Adam was quiet for a moment, taking in Ronan’s suddenly shy demeanor. “Yes, we did.” 

“I remember being 18 and _ wanting. _I didn’t know what but I just knew that I wanted something. Anything. And I have no memories of actually being with someone. I can’t remember any kiss I’ve had, anything. And today K came over and said shit and he touched me and-”

“He _ touched _ you?” Adam interrupted. 

“Yeah, I mean, it wasn’t a big deal, it's just, I can’t remember anyone ever touching me like that before.” 

“What did he do?” 

Ronan stayed quiet. He almost felt dirty having to detail what happened. 

“Ronan, I’m not going to judge you or anything. I care about you, I just want to know what he did.” 

“He grabbed me. I could feel myself getting hard because of him. I can’t even remember us doing it! I don’t really want my real first memory of having anyone touch me be him.” 

“That’s okay, that’s normal. Ronan, I promise, as much as I’d want to be with you I wouldn’t rush you or pressure you.” Adam rubbed a hand down his back in a comforting manner. 

“If I’m going to do all this over again I would want the first time I remember to be with you.” He said into his lap. 

* * *

Each night after work Adam would drive to the Barns to be with Ronan. They would sit and talk, sometimes he would bring takeout, and do their best to relearn each other. What Ronan’s favourite movies are, how Adam learned to be so good with cars, what they wanted to be in the future. 

“We should watch some movies. You don’t remember any from the past three years?” Adam asked as he took a bit of the Chinese food he brought. 

“I can’t even remember the last movie I watched.” 

“You used to love those Marvel movies. You and Matthew would watch them. There’s a new one now, everyone is in it and-”

“Wait, everyone? Every Avenger in one movie? Why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me?” 

“I think we were all a little focused on other things instead of making sure you could watch the last Avengers movie.” Adam laughed. 

“Last? Parrish, what the fuck are you talking about? Did they die?” Ronan was smiling at him, a real smile. A no bullshit smile. 

“You called me Parrish.” Adam said softly. 

“I guess I did.” Ronan stretched his arm across the touch Adam’s hand. Adam extended his fingers to caress Ronan’s. 

“Tell me about our first kiss.” 

Adam set his takeout box down on the coffee table and sat back to look at Ronan. “You had everyone over, it was Gansey’s birthday and you told me to get something from upstairs. I went into your room and was looking around. It was my first time being up there and I felt like I was seeing this secret part of you, all of your things that you had as a kid and a teen. You had this really dumb poster on your wall,” Adam stopped to laugh at the memory of it, “and then I was sitting on your bed and you came in and sat next to me. We were talking about _ something _and then you kissed me. I don’t know how long we were up there kissing but it felt like this dam that finally burst. You’re a really good kisser.” 

Ronan blushes at that. “Don’t get freaky on me.” Adam let go of Ronan’s hand to push at his shoulder. “What was our last kiss like?”

Adam had to think about it. They must have got less memorable as they went on. “I came over here. It was the day before your crash. I had to work in the morning so I went to bed. I think you kissed me goodnight.” 

“I don’t know why I didn’t like you when Gansey first introduced us.” 

“I think you didn't like the idea of Gansey having someone else. You’re very territorial.”

“Am not.” Ronan used his shoulder to bump Adam’s. 

“You didn’t like Gansey spending his time with someone other than you. And when we got together you didn’t like when people would ask me out and you couldn’t do anything about it because we were in public. But you’d always let me know that I was yours.” Adam bumped his shoulder into Ronan. 

Ronan took Adam’s hand and he studied it. Bringing it up to his eyes to trace his fingers and his palm, they were long and almost dainty. He brought his palm to his lips to place a kiss to it. Adam took his hand from him and ran it over Ronan’s shaved head and then down his neck. He hooked his hand around him and pulled him in, their noses bumping together. 

“Kiss me.” Ronan whispered. 

Adam brought their lips together, Ronan’s lips were chapped and rough from the stitches but they felt like home. He kissed him again and Ronan kissed him back, using his hand to cup Adam’s face. Adam opened his mouth and Ronan’s tongue licked at his lips and then played with Adam’s tongue. Adam shifted his body so he was almost hovering over Ronan, his hand still around his neck and their bodies close. Ronan broke the kiss to he could catch his breath. 

“You’re a good kisser too.” Ronan said breathlessly. Adam’s head fell to Ronan’s shoulder as he laughed. “I know that technically wasn’t our first kiss but it’s the only one I remember.” 

“Ten years from now when you hit your head again and ask what our first kiss was like I’ll have some options to choose from.”

“You think we’re gonna still be together in ten years?”

“I think so.” Adam scratched the back of his head. “I know that before the crash we always talked about what our future would be like. If we’d move, where I would work, stuff like that.” 

“Can we see Noah again?” Ronan asked. 

“Yeah.” Adam leaned in again to kiss Ronan. “I should go,” he said into the kiss, “let you rest.”

“Okay.” Ronan moaned as Adam pulled away. “When will I see you?”

Adam pulled out his phone and looked at his work schedule. “I work tomorrow night, I’m free Friday. We could go to the bar. Have a do-over first date.”

“This wasn’t a first date?”

“No,” Adam stood up to clean up his takeout boxes, “This was us eating Chinese food and me showing you how good of a kisser I am.”

“That sounds like a date.”

“Maybe you _ are _starting to remember.” Adam kissed him again quickly. “Goodnight. I’ll see you Friday.”

“Night, Parrish.” He watched Adam leave and settled into the couch. Maybe he could sleep there tonight. He didn’t want to forget this night. 

* * *

“Adam! Ronan! Welcome back! You still remember me?” Noah asked cheerily when he saw the two walk in. 

Ronan nodded his head once as Adam pointed out a booth in the back that they would always sit at. 

“Go ahead, guys! I’ll bring you over something special!” Noah called to them. 

“Your cast has been on now for a few weeks.” Adam observed. 

“My doctor said it should be good to come off in three weeks. Thank fuck, I’m sick of Blue driving me around.” 

“How is it living with her?”

“She’s pretty chill. Declan still comes down on the weekends, Matthew pops in now and then. I think Gansey’s trying to get with her.” Ronan’s eyes looked like he knew more than he was telling. 

“Why do you say that?” Adam asked just as Noah brought them over drinks that he claimed was memory juice. 

“Don’t worry Adam, yours is a virgin.” He winked at him. 

“Blue stays over night so she can be there if something goes wrong, when Gansey comes down he’s been staying with me. I get it, more space, he doesn’t want to put you out. But I can hear them.” Ronan says as he takes a sip of his drink and painfully swallows it. “They stay up half the night talking.” 

Adam’s brows furrow. “Just talking?”

“Yep.” 

“They don’t… do anything?”

“Well, I think talking is doing something. He’s trying to lay down the groundwork. He’s not as smooth as he thinks and I do _ not _want Gansey getting some action in my house.” 

“Blue is very professional, even if she was interested in Gansey I doubt she would let something like that happen in her patients house.” 

Ronan knocks back the rest of his drink and he sticks his tongue out at the tartness of it. “Are his drinks normally that bad?” 

“I just get water when I come here.” 

“We would come here a lot?” Ronan takes Adam’s hand from across the table. 

“Yeah. All the time. We would close the place down, Noah would always be cool about it.” 

“Should we tell people that we’re dating?” Ronan asks. 

“Are we?” Adam quirks his eyebrow at him. 

“You tell me, I’m the guy who can’t remember anything.” 

“It’s funny, you’ve been my secret for so long and now you don’t have to be, but I still want you to be just mine for a little while longer.” 

“Will you show me your place tonight?” 

Adam and Ronan could barely make it through the door. Their lips were attached to each other’s and Adam was swinging at the wall trying to turn the lights on. He dropped the keys into the bowl by his door and pushed the door closed and then pushed Ronan up against it. 

“Shit, did I push you too hard?” Adam asked as he kissed Ronan’s lips. 

“No, I’m okay.” Ronan accepted all the kisses and used his free hand to reach up underneath Adam’s shirt. Adam’s stomach retracted at the feel of Ronan’s cold hand. 

“Sorry, cold.” Adam said into Ronan’s ear. “Let’s go sit.” He took his hand from under his shirt and lead him to the couch. Adam sat and guided Ronan to straddle his lap. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Ronan looked down at Adam, he rested his cast on the back of the couch. 

“Just do whatever you want to do. We’re just on a date.” Adam rubbed Ronan’s thighs. 

Ronan leans down to kiss at Adam’s neck, he tilts his head to the side so Ronan could have more access. Ronan works his way up his neck, kissing his jaw, then this lips. Adam moans into the kiss as his hips buck at the feel of Ronan on top of him. Ronan has his hand under Adam’s shirt again, stroking his chest. Ronan kisses his way back down Adam’s neck as he grinds his hips into Adam’s lap.

“Ro,” Adam moaned, “missed you so much.”

“Adam,” Ronan breaths out, “maybe we should stop.” 

“Okay.” Adam pants, he sits up and rests his hands on Ronan’s thighs. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just didn’t want to get carried away.” 

“Do you want me to drive you back to the Barns?”

“No, I don’t mind being here.” He nuzzled into Adam’s side. 

“You know, my bed is more comfortable than this couch. You could stay over, I can take you back in the morning.” He stroked Ronan’s head. 

Adam was right, the bed was _ much _better than the couch. Ronan laid in the bed and watched Adam pull out some pyjamas Ronan could wear to bed. Adam’s room was small but he did his best to make it a home. He had books on the nightstand and a white noise machine. Adam tossed him some shorts and a shirt he could change in to. 

“Hey, I’ve got a shirt like this.” Ronan said as he felt the soft fabric of the shirt. 

“That is your shirt. You just left it here one time. You can wear it home if you want.” 

Ronan brought the shirt to his nose, it didn’t smell like him anymore. Adam must have worn it a lot. He carefully lifted his shirt over his head and put this one on, he didn’t miss Adam looking over at him when he changed. 

“You have a tooth brush here, too. It’s the blue one in the jar.” Adam told him from the bathroom. 

“Seems like I’m almost moved in here.”

He could hear the tap running from the bathroom, Ronan got out of bed and made his way and watched from the door as Adam washed his face and grabbed a grey towel to dry off. He looked up and saw Ronan watching him from the mirror. Adam laughed and threw the towel at Ronan.

“Stalker.” He said as Ronan used his arm to deflect the towel. 

Adam left Ronan to brush his teeth as he pulled his shirt off and changed from his pants. He got into his side of the bed and turned the lamp on so Ronan could see when he came out. Since Ronan had gotten into his accident Adam had been living in all of the clothes that were left here. He liked to fall asleep in Ronan’s hoodie, surrounded by his scent, or use his body wash in the morning so he’d be reminded of him all day. At night he’d sleep on ‘Ronan’s’ side of the bed and breathe in the smell of him from his pillow. He did whatever he could to have small pieces of Ronan incase Ronan never remembered. 

Ronan stumbled out of the bathroom and go into the empty side of the bed. Adam turned the lamp off once Ronan was in and under the covers. He rested his head into the pillow and Adam took his hand. Adam rubbed circles into his palm until Ronan felt his eyes close and fall into a deep sleep. Adam wrapped his body around Ronan and fell asleep soon after. 

Ronan woke the sound of Adam’s voice, he was speaking in a hushed voice as to not disturb Ronan from his sleep. Ronan rolled over and rubbed his hand down his face, he reached for his phone on the table to check the time. He must have turned it off sometime last night and when it powered on he had an abundance of missed texts and phone calls — all from Gansey, Declan, Matthew, and Blue. 

He looked back to Adam and saw that he was pinching the bridge of his nose, whoever he was talking to must have been giving it to him. Ronan looked through his phone and saw the theme of the messages were _ where the fuck are you. _ He told Blue that Adam was taking him out last night, he must have forgotten to tell her that he wasn’t coming home. In an uncharacteristic move on Ronan’s part, he called Declan. 

“What happened to you?” Declan said as soon as he picked up on the first ring. 

“Nothing. I’m with Adam.”

“You didn’t tell anyone. I got calls from Blue last night freaking out that you didn’t come home. You weren’t answering your phone. Then Gansey got involved. You can’t do that, Ronan. What if you wandered off and forgot where you were?”

“I’m fine.” Ronan sighed. 

“We didn’t know that. Call Blue and Gansey to explain yourself. I’ve got work to do. And call Matthew too, he was worried.” 

Ronan dropped his phone into his lap and heard some of Adam’s conversation. He was pacing in and out of the bathroom.

“Gansey, he’s okay. I’ll get him to call you. I know, I didn’t realize he didn’t. I’ll get him to call Blue and I’ll take him home.” Adam turned and saw Ronan was awake, he handed his phone to him. “Talk.” Adam said sternly. 

“Dick, I’m fine.” Ronan told Gansey.

“Ronan, everyone was freaking out. Declan and I can’t do much from DC but Blue was scared. You didn’t come home?” 

“No, I was with Adam and we went back to his place. I fell asleep. I’m sorry.” 

“You stayed over at Adam’s place? Why didn’t you just go home?” 

Ronan rolled his eyes. “I don’t know, cause I wanted to hangout with him. Look, I’m gonna call Blue and apologize. I didn’t mean to, I just fell asleep.”

“Ronan, we’re not mad, we’re just worried. Your amnesia… it’s scary. What if you wake up and you forget everything? I’m glad you were with Adam but you have to tell Blue, she called me and she was so scared you’d gotten lost.” Gansey said. 

“I’m fine. I’m going to call her. I gotta go, okay. I’m sorry you were worried. I’ll try to be better.” He gave Adam his phone back and used his own to call Blue. 

Blue sounded the most upset, hearing her that choked up on the phone Ronan knew that he couldn’t do this shit again. He apologized profusely and told her that Adam would take him home so she didn’t have to worry. 

“I’m sorry I ruined your morning.” Ronan told him after he made all his phone calls. 

“It’s not your fault, I should have made sure that you told Blue. I totally get where they’re coming from. Your health is a serious thing and it’s Blue’s job to be looking after you.” Adam said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. 

“Did Gansey ask you why I was over at your house?”

Adam pursed his lips. “Yes.” 

“What did you say?”

“I told him that you would explain it all to him.” Adam had a devilish grin on his face.

“You little shit, you think you can get off easy and make me do all the hard work.”

“We’ll explain it together. Besides, you can’t even remember _ how _ we got together.”

“Do you think he’ll be mad?” Ronan asked as he hooked his pinky finger with Adam’s. 

“It’s Gansey, I think he’ll be thrilled. He’ll have a million questions but all he wants is for us to get along.”

“Do you have to work today?”

“Yeah, at noon. I should probably drive you back so Blue can relax.” Adam kissed Ronan’s forehead as he stood up and cleared the table. 

“How close are you to fixing my car?”

“I’m waiting for some parts to come, but it should be good by the end of the month. You’ll probably be able to drive it too because your cast will be off.” 

“Praise the lord.” Ronan pressed his palms together. 

“You better not race it ever again. I’m putting so many hours into this damn car. If you get into a crash again I’m going to break up with you.” Adam threatened him.

“Can’t have that. Guess I will have to be a good, safe driver.”

“I don’t know why I let you drive me around, anyways. You speed, you don’t follow traffic instructions.”

“But don’t I look good when I’m driving? You’re into cars, you probably find that sexy.”

“Yeah.” Adam said. “I love getting to watch you from the passenger side.” 

* * *

As Ronan expected, Blue was in a subtle rage when he got home. Her small fists were clenched and even though she was smaller than him, her energy made her feel six feet tall. 

“If you’re going to run off you _ need _ to tell me where you are going to be! You’re my patient! It’s my job to look after you!” 

“You’re not going to lose your job. Declan knows I’m a dumbass.” 

“I’m not worried about losing my job, I was worried about you!” She stormed off into the kitchen. Ronan could hear her sniffling. 

“Blue, I’m sorry. Don’t get upset. I’m an idiot, please don’t cry.” Ronan said as he followed her into the kitchen. 

“I _ knew _ you were out with Adam and I knew that’s where you were but,” she stopped to wipe her eyes, “you didn’t come home. You didn’t call. I called Declan and he hadn’t heard from you. I tried Gansey and he called Adam for me but no one answered. That’s not cool, Ronan.” 

“I’m sorry.” He muttered. 

“What were you doing that was so important that caused me to have a panic attack.” 

“I was at Adam’s house. We were on a date.” 

“You were?” Her mood changed instantly. “I wondered how long that would take.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked defensively. 

“I saw the way you two were looking at each other when we go to see your car. Gansey is oblivious but I knew it would happen.” She said smugly. 

“Well when are you and Gansey gonna get together?” 

She didn’t say anything, she just looked at him. 

“Don’t tell me you got together here.” Ronan pleaded. 

“No. Once I’m done being your nurse he said he would take me out. We just talk on the phone a lot.” She smiled. 

“That will probably be soon, then.” Ronan thought out loud. “I’m getting my cast off soon. I’m off all my medications. Your times almost up.” 

“I know,” she sat at the kitchen table. “I really liked being your nurse. You were a stubborn fuck at first but now I like being here.” 

“You can always come back and hang. Big house, Gansey will always be here when he comes down. Unless… he stays with you?” He asked optimistically. 

“As if, I still live at home.” Blue laughed. 

* * *

Gansey came down to take Ronan to the doctors to get his cast removed. The doctor used a small electrical saw which Ronan was _ very _interested in. He got Gansey to take a photo of him so he could send it to Adam. 

_ New man _ he sent with the picture attached. 

— _ Wow! Can’t wait to be able to hold both your hands now. _

_ Smells nasty Parrish. _

_ — You’re disgusting. Can’t believe I’m dating you. _

_ You love me _

_ — :) <3 _

Ronan’s arm felt too weak to drive home, and Gansey wouldn’t allow him to drive the Pig, but it felt so nice to have it out the window and to feel fresh air on it. It was finally the end of summer and even though Ronan couldn’t remember the past three summers, this one was his favourite. He decided to tell Gansey about him and Adam when he was driving down the freeway, he wanted to see if his reaction would cause them to spin out. Gansey gripped his steering wheel hard as he heard Ronan nonchalantly tell him _ “by the way, Parrish and I are dating.” _Gansey couldn’t help but smile, his two best friends were together, he was about to ask the girl that’s been on his mind for the past six weeks out, it was a good way to end his summer. 

“You’d have to ask Parrish for _ all _the details,” Ronan started as he looked over at Gansey, “but I guess we were dating before my accident. He said we were together for two years. Behind Kavinsky’s back.” Ronan felt the car stall. 

“_ Two years?” _Gansey shouted. “Ronan Lynch! Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“Hey! I have amnesia! I didn’t even know.”

Gansey looked over at his friend. “And you two just picked up where you left off?”

“No, I couldn’t remember Adam. I didn’t believe him at first when he told me, but I figured if I was able to fall in love with him once, I could probably do it again.” 

“Never thought you’d be such a sap, Lynch.”

“Just drive me home so you can ask Blue out.” Ronan snapped out to his best friend. 

* * *

_ …..P is calling…. _

“What do you want, Parrish?” Ronan smiles into his phone. 

“I’m at work, why don’t you see if Blue can drop you off here. I’ve got something for you.”

“Is my car done?” He asked giddily. 

“I don’t want to say it’s good as new but,” Adam sounded pleased with his handy work. 

Blue drove Ronan over to Boyd’s, he practically ran out of the car when she came to a stop and he saw Adam leaning against his car. It looked the same but with more _ character. _Adam had changed out of his coveralls, he looked gorgeous, his skin tanned and freckled from the summer sun, his smile brighter once he saw Ronan. 

“Nice arm.” He yelled across the lot. 

“Nice car.” He replied as he walked towards Adam. 

Ronan wrapped both arms around Adam, pulling him close to him and necking his head into his neck. He took a deep breath in and smelt Adam’s cologne mixed with sweat and gasoline from working all day. Ronan pressed a small kiss to his neck. 

“Why don’t you take me somewhere?” Adam said softly. 

“Where do you want to go?” Ronan asked into his neck. 

“Wherever you want. Take me somewhere you remember.” 

Ronan blissfully got into the drivers side of his BMW. He ran his fingers over the steering wheel, ran it over the smooth dashboard, he opened the armrest and saw some mints and spare change that he’d left in there. He pulled down the sun visor and something fell out. It flitted down into his lap, Ronan picked it up and turned it over, it was a picture taken on 35mm of Adam. Well, of Adam’s hands. His own secret. Ronan studies the picture as Adam got into the car. He hid it back in the sun visor and drove away, howling as he sped down the road. Adam could help but laugh. 

Ronan decided to take them back to Monmouth. He parked in the lot and turned the car off. This was the last place Ronan can remember where he was before the accident. 

“You said that this is where we first got along. When Gansey wasn’t here, that we talked all night.” Ronan said as he looked over the old building. No one had moved into it after he and Gansey had moved out, it sat empty. 

“You told me that the Barns is where you fell in love with me.” He said softly. Adam nodded at him. “I can’t remember, but I bet I fell in love with you here. The day when you came over and I told you Gansey would be back soon.” Ronan said with a smile, it sounded like something he would have said. “I can’t remember when I first fell in love with you, but I know I’ve been in love with you for a long time, Adam Parrish.” 

Adam gave him a tearful smile. “I knew you would remember one day.” 

Ronan takes Adam’s hand and brings it to his lips. He intertwines their fingers and leans over to kiss Adam, placing soft, gentle kisses to his cheek, then to his lips. Adam kisses him back just as gentle, he leans in as far as his seatbelt would allow him. He can feel Ronan smile into the kiss, their teeth bumping for a moment. 

Adam breaks the kiss for a moment to ask, “are we just going to sit out here and makeout?” He kisses Ronan again. 

“What,” Ronan says between kisses, “you don’t want to makeout with me,” another kiss, “in my new car?” 

Adam can’t help but laugh. He wipes the corner of his mouth for saliva. “I’m glad you’re happy with the car. I wasn’t lying when I told you not to crash it again.” 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Ronan smiles. “Come on, I want to show you something.”

He opens his door and walks around to open Adam’s. He held his hand out for Adam to take and he helped him out of the car. They walked towards the front door, and just like old times with a little jimmy and shove, the door opened. The place felt the same when Ronan left, just dustier. He walked around the front room and saw where Gansey had made his cardboard Henrietta, the kitchen/laundry/bathroom, he could see his bedroom door. It was chipped from the amount of times he’d slammed it shut. He could feel Adam standing behind him, watching him take in his old home, his old memories. He squeezed Ronan’s hand tight and he kissed the back of his neck, his lips touching the top of his tattoo. 

Ronan felt a wave of energy flow through him. He remembers every inch of this space. He remembers crying and punching the walls over his parents' deaths, he remembers late nights laughing with Gansey, he remembers not doing homework. He remembers the feeling of his heart racing, his hands shaking over the unfamiliar feeling of what he didn’t know at the time was love. He remembers falling in love with Adam Parrish here. 


End file.
